"Fitting In"

From the day after I turned one, I have never lived in my country.  I left Brasil almost 30 years ago, and even though I've had the opportunity to go back and visit quite often, I have not lived there. I am not complaining, I loved living abroad.  I was blessed to see many new places, meet interesting people and live amongst different cultures.  I learned new languages - a passion of mine - and I am always hoping to learn a few more!  I enjoy traveling and moving from time to time, but I am now confronted with doubts about whether or not I "fit in" where I am.  

  

Even though life was good for my family and I while I was growing up, I missed out on having family near by. I never really spent time with my grandparents, cousins, uncles/aunts, etc., and I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to be around them.  The friends we made in Venezuela, Spain and the United States became our family.  I've lived in a small town in Maryland, in Boston, the Ft. Lauderdale area, Miami, and Cambridge.  I am currently moving back to FL, but wondering if this is the right thing to do.  

Life throws us a few spins once in a while, which is why I'm writing tonight.  The last few years in Florida were spent wondering what life would be like in Boston.  I love the weather in FL, the beaches, lifestyle and our family and friends, of course.  But I didn't feel like I "fit in".  I love to travel; and to get into a car and drive out of FL is a long trip in itself.  The lack of cultural events, museums, history, etc...made me miss Boston.  I started to see that people, not all of course, are very materialistic.  It's all about the car you drive, the clothes you wear, the clubs you go to, etc.  It just wasn't me.   And suddenly....

An offer appeared out of nowhere to come live in Cambridge.  It was like my prayers had been heard!  Of course, we thought about the harsh winter and being far away from our family and friends.  But the thought of getting in the car and being in so many different states in a few hours...All of the museums and historical sites to visit!  Not to mention the exhibits, plays, musicals, etc. that come and go from the city every month.  Giving it little thought, in less than two months I was here.  I arrived in the beginning of January with an eight week old baby.  And in a few weeks, realized that life wasn't going to be so easy.  With very little people that we knew, not being able to go outside much because of the cold, and spending almost every single day with a young baby that only slept and ate, I began to see this wasn't me either.  Time did go by - slowly - and we started to make some friends, so things started to brighten up. Once the summer came, it was great!  We had friends, I went out a lot, we enjoyed the city to the fullest!  Kayaking in the Charles.  Taking walks in the Common. Meeting friends for a stroll at Newbury St....We got away from the city, we had family come and visit and we went to visit family and friends in FL, of course.  But winter is back, and things got "difficult" again.  The days start late and end early.  I can't go outside much. Dear friends have come and gone.  It's just been so hard.  I don't feel like this is the place for me, I don't "fit in".  

We've been thinking about how we would like to go back to FL for many months now- to the sunshine, the family and friends, and the good life we had back then - which we didn't realize.  We know and cherish the friends we have made here and are certain that wherever we may go, they will be in our minds and hearts.  But we're ready to leave... 

Life has thrown us another spin, and our prayers were answered, once again.  We were asked to go back to FL in the beginning of the month and are doing so in a couple of days. Yet for some reason, I find myself asking:  "Is this really what I want?"  "Am I going to be happy?"  "Am I going to 'fit in'?"

I wonder: is it time to head back HOME, to Brasil?  My home that's never been my home?  If I do go back, will I adapt?  Will I get used to living in a big city?  Will I get used to living around family?  Will I "fit in"???